Category Archives: marriage

'Crime' being single

When I resolved to become a journalist I was too naïve to realise that as a journalist I won’t be considered only as a working woman. There are many related issues which I would face suddenly without being prepared, while I braced myself for reporting only. I have never understood till date how my marital status affects me as a reporter. Especially when dealing with the police force at any level. Strangely the politicians who otherwise keep an eye on the reporters’ ‘weighty’ issues never show as much curiosity regarding our marital status.

With the change of guard every time I hope that the traditional mindset will change. But instead I’ve had to sharpen my skills to deal with this personal question. I have changed from being tremendously defensive and slightly aggressive because I don’t think my single status is for public consumption. And now I’m totally humorous, poke fun at myself and the questioner.

In fact one police inspector source would call me at odd hours to give news and I’d say family will not like. Promptly I was asked for residence address, whether the husband was nice, number of children and if he was a good father. Astounded I said I can’t talk at that hour. In fact another asked if I had few children because he thought I looked motherly. Now what that means I’m still to understand.

In fact in true police style I would be asked, bang in the middle of an interview taking me off guard. In fact one former director general of police was keen on finding me a suitor. I feared he would soon register my name with a matrimonial bureau. So I began exchanging notes with few women police officers.

So few days ago I met up with a senior lady police officer and we as usual were sharing our laughs and little gossip. I told her it is time I tell any inquisitive male police officer who asks me if I am single that I am either a divorcee or a widow. She laughed throwing her head back and said, “Oh so you too are subjected to queries regarding your marital status?”

The lady officer said how women have been the subject of gossip and talk within the male journalistic and police fraternity. Continuing in a lighter vein she asked me to declare that I am a widow because at least then the officers would show some sympathy. The lady officer cautioned me if I said I am divorcee I would become a butt of more loose talk and would be declared the cause of the break up.

And I realised I wasn’t alone. They too were put through these queries which made to the corridors giving enough fodder to us journalists. In fact one very senior officer gave me words of advice and cautioned me never to make friends with policemen. “We can never be friends, we are always police,” these words guided me through out as a reporter. In fact few months ago a senior police officer threatened to call me late at night to his office I told please do call other journalists too because I was confident he didn’t want to give exclusive news to only one newspaper. He never bothered to meet me after that.

I'm single, so what??

Whats with people & their inquisitiveness regarding any person’s marital status? It’s infuriating to be asked all the while why am I single? As if I’m incomplete, something’s drastically wrong with me & deprived!! Grrhhh
I get very pitiful glances and more than that 100 reasons for marrying are given without being asked for. Earlier it would piss me off, it still does coz my singlehood is by ‘Deliberate’ choice-I guess this concept doesn’t exist in India?? Even among males? I’m NOT single due to lack of choice or failure to find an adaptable man-who I really don’t know is roaming freely somewhere in outer space!

Formalities are needed sometimes I think. Personal questions like weight (another sensitive issue is talked so loosely in our society), sex or lack of it, child bearing & marriage…are spoken immediately after people open their doors onto you. Its literally like a Hindi comedy film! You ring the bell & people greet u with “My look how much weight you have put on/lost! Why are still single? ” Etc etc. At least it happens so very often in our Indian families, even educated friends. Worst still-time is running out on you! wots this supposed to mean?

Then you have relatives who have the gall to their daughters-who obviously seem to lack any thinking powers- that stay away from this atya or mavshi or her influence will rub off you. May be they’d really get some wisdom if they care to see… 🙂

then is NOT wanting to have children…gosh have committed an offence? looks like. My bod clock never clicked away…its continuous all cycles purrfect…i just do NOT want kids, tho’ I luv them. The luv of my life is my best friend’s son…amaan…he brings sheer joy to my life. I’ve brought up kids, have had cousin’s daughter take her 1st step in front of me NOT them…isn’t this what all paretns go thru’????

I wonder why should my marital status affect any person. Unless people suddenly have begun envying me! I really think it’s a conspiracy that all these unhappily married ones want us singles to join them! The every 2nd police officer asking me “don’t mind ma’m but are u married?” i think they’ve already presumed my reply so their smirks say it all..

I told my arthur roda jailer friend one day, ma’m i’ve planned now to tell anyone who asks whether i’m single either that i’m married or widow, coz then it will evoke some sympathy for me. She takes the cake man, she told me, “aga nako, don’t tell divorcee else they’ll think ur over smart & u asked for it. say ur widow!!”

On a serious note this all irritates. Earlier I would try & reason, look I’ve a long way to go. Then I had career, then stopped short to study, since I graduated all seemed to be in a rush to get me married. Reason-i DONT look the studious types or wanting to study further types??? Most suspected that taking a break from my career wc had not even kicked off meant I’m throwing a hint at my family-I’ve someonetucked away. I’m still searching…hehe

But the worst is, people’s presumptions -Being single means being ‘AVAILABLE.’ Every married man eyes us single women. I’ve had married wanting to buy me lingerie of their choice. I’ve no qualms because they have been my friends & gifts are always welcomed. On serious note, I’ve tried to explain to them that they should surprise their wives too by buying them lingerie more than me. They dither.. feel their choice may not suit their wives’ and fear rejection from their wives??? Hello happily married i thot??

Each married male at whatever age wants to have an affair. Have they seen themselves in mirrors? UGHHHH – Its really infuriating to know that they think they are doing charity by telling they would like to have an affair with me coz they can’t see me alone!! I try & explain that I’m single NOT available & more so I ain’t deprived man!! Difficult to explain…firstly look at most of the men around. Does anyone even think I’ve lost it?? over 85 percent ko Na shakal ya akkal hai…less said the better.

Men have sex on top of their minds..it is gender reality..i’m fine wt it. Such is not the case with women-our reality. life is easier for us women. To top it all my drive & energy is focussed on getting a dhasu story, when I get, its like total orgasm!

Same with food, flavours & meeting people. As for companionship, I have enough, no dearth of it. Friends, acquaintances, parents, many old uncles & aunts who like my company…my friends, their children, all keep me occupied. As for me being looked after I’ve already begun preparing 2 kids for it –my friend’s son & my cousin’s daughter. Jokes apart life’ young, who knows who i may or not meet..its ok. Ashrams are there to take of me!